The Adventures in Mini Golf
by garfieldodie
Summary: Rosalyn takes Calvin and Hobbes on her date. You'll figure it out sooner or later.


It was a bright day for Calvin and Hobbes. It was a day that would be good for running around in. However, that's not what they were doing. They were standing with Rosalyn at a ticket box. Calvin was pretty angry, but Hobbes showed no emotion, to both Calvin and Rosalyn.

"Look, I know you don't want to come here, but I think that as long as I have to look after you while your parents are at the party, I think I should at least take you somewhere. And it might as well be a place where I'm going with my date."

Calvin rolled his eyes. "It's one thing to go mini-golfing with my babysitter, but to do it while you're making out with your boyfriend? That's just _sick_! Blaugh! It's disgusting!"

"Oh, you'll understand when you're my age," Rosalyn sighed.

"In that case, I hope to never live to see the age of seventeen."

"Oh, you kids today."

She turned away.

Calvin turned to Hobbes.

"What do you think?" Hobbes asked.

"I think I'm gonna make a run for it."

Calvin turned and ran, but Hobbes tripped him.

"Have you forgotten what she's capable of doing? She could make us go to bed at _five_ o'clock instead of our usual six."

"Good point. Man, this stinks. I can't believe Mom and Dad are letting her take us on her date! Couldn't she cancel? She usually does!"

Hobbes shrugged. "This must be a really neat miniature golf course."

"We're not in France, Hobbes," Calvin said, putting a hand on Hobbes' shoulder. "_We_ call it mini-golf."

"Does France even _have _mini-golf?"

"Well, of course they…," Calvin started, but then he paused and scratched his head with confusion. "…uh, I dunno."

"What are the rules today?"

"We'll find out when we get in there."

Rosalyn turned around again. She held a red golf ball in one hand and a golf club in the other.

"What are the rules today?" he asked.

"You two wait in the arcade room and play while Charlie and I play mini-golf."

"What, we can't watch?"

"You'd either complain about boredom or make disgusted noise when we refer to each other by our little nicknames."

Calvin arched an eyebrow. "Nicknames?" he asked suspiciously.

"I'd rather not say them."

"No, no. You've intrigued my curiosity."

"I'm not saying them."

"Say them now, or else I'll bother you all day with my words."

"Do you want me to buy you lollipops?"

Calvin smiled and instantly forgot. "YES! We demand candy!"

* * *

Later on, Calvin and Hobbes were sitting on a bench in the arcade room, slurping giant, flat lollipops.

"Hobbes?" Calvin said. "What did she mean by nicknames? _(slurp)_"

"I believe it is what lovers us to call each other. _(slurp)_"

"Like _(slurp)_ what? _(slurp)_"

"_(slurp)_ Stuff like 'Bitsy Bookums' _(slurp)_ or 'Snoogy Woogy'. _(slurp)_

"_(slurp)_ Yuck. _(slurp)_ I think that would affect my _(slurp)_ stomach, rather then my _(slurp)_ heart. _(slurp)_"

"_(slurp, slurp)_ Oh, I dunno. _(slurp) _It sounds kinda _(slurp)_ nice to me. _(slurp)_"

"_(slurp)_ You're strange. _(slurp, slurp)_"

"_(slurp)_"

"_(slurp, slurp)_"

"_(slurpy, slurp, slurp)_"

"_(slurp, slurpy, slurp)_"

"_(slurp, slurpy, slurpy, slurp)_"

They finally ran out of lollipop and tossed the sticks away.

"How bored are you?" Calvin asked.

Hobbes fell off the bench.

"I'm so bored that _that_ was fun," Hobbes said.

"Let me try."

"Please do."

Calvin fell off the bench.

"Party on," he sighed.

"How pathetic is this?" Hobbes grumped. "We're falling off of a bench for fun at an arcade with several games and your babysitter and we're not doing anything!"

"Hobbes, I'm six years old. We can't drive, we have zero money and a seven pm curfew. Given those limitations, I'd say this is Mardi Gras."

Hobbes sighed.

Calvin rolled over and felt something odd.

"Huh, I think I have something in my pocket," he said.

He felt around in his pocket and grinned.

"Hobbes, I have my latest project in my pocket!" he said excitedly. "Wanna see?"

"Sure!"

"Okay, let's head for the restroom."

"The restroom? Why?"

"Too many witnesses."

Hobbes stopped. "Wait a minute. This isn't a bomb, is it?"

"I wish!"

Hobbes backed away slowly.

"Don't worry, come on."

Calvin and Hobbes quickly ran into the restroom. Calvin bent over to check that all the stalls were empty, which they were.

"Okay, the coast is clear."

"Will this object inflict pain onto my body?"

"It depends. Check _this _out!"

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a plastic gun.

Hobbes jumped back.

"GOOD LORD, HE HAS A WEAPON!" he accidentally shouted.

"Shh! Quiet, you fool!" Calvin hissed.

Calvin ran to the door and peeked through to check if anyone heard, which, of course, no one had.

"Geez, you need to be more careful."

"Calvin, you have a gun," Hobbes growled. "How _should _I react?"

"You idiot, it's not a real gun. It's a condensed version of the Transmogrifier."

"Really?" Hobbes asked, calming down. "Why'd you make it?"

"It's handier than the box," Calvin explained. "Say you're cornered in a tight spot with a mugger. What do you do?"

"You use _me_ to attack him!" Hobbes said.

Calvin rolled his eyes. "Okay, let's say he's a three hundred pound mugger with a club."

Hobbes immediately dove into a stall.

"What, no attack tiger?"

"He's not after _my_ wallet, Jack."

"Well, anyway, back to the mugger. You can easily whip this baby out of your pocket and turn yourself into an eagle that can get out! Or, even, better, turn _him_ into a mouse! It's perfect!"

"Cool!" said Hobbes, returning from hiding. "That thing _could_ be useful!"

"Should be. It took me all of last night to invent."

"Have you tested it?"

"Let's try it now."

"Okay! What should we Transmogrify?"

"Me!"

"You?"

"Yeah! I wanna cause some trouble for Rosalyn on her date with Charlie!"

"Hey, after all these six o'clock bedtimes, I'll do _any_thing to her!"

"Good! I want you to shrink me down to a one inch tall person."

"Why?"

"I'll explain when you do it."

"Okay."

Hobbes looked the gun over.

"There's no knob on here. How does it know what to transmogrify you into?"

"Telepathy. Just think of me as a one incher."

"I usually do."

Hobbes concentrated and pulled the trigger.

In a flash of green, Calvin shrank down.

Hobbes got down on all fours and looked down at him.

"How do you feel?"

"Not all that different. Man, you need to clean your eyes more often."

"Oh!" Hobbes snorted. "Well, excuse me!"

"Now shrink yourself."

"Okay."

Hobbes aimed at a mirror. He fired at it. The light bounced off and hit him. He and the gun both shrank down to Calvin's height, if not a little bit taller, like he always was. He looked around and saw the dust was more noticeable. There were things that he could see better.

"Okay, this is way cool!"

"I know," Calvin nodded. "If you look close enough, you can see the dust mites!"

"Creepy."

"Hey! Let's concentrate!"

"Sorry. What's the plan?"

"We run out there and catch up with Rosalyn and Charlie. We run up Roz's pants and maker her go absolutely crazy. Charlie thinks she's crazier than she really is and dumps her! It's perfect!"

"Only one problem," Hobbes said. "How do we get there before Christmas? We're so tiny!"

"Let's get out of here!"

A man suddenly entered the room. The door swung open and shut, back and forth.

Calvin instantly got on Hobbes' back.

"Let's fade into the sunset, ol' buddy!" he cried.

"Right!" said Hobbes.

Hobbes ran for dear life. Calvin hang on for dear life. Hobbes jumped for dear life. Calvin covered his eyes for dear life. Hobbes dashed between the crack in the door as it finally settled.

Once out the door, they looked around.

"We need to hitch a ride," said Calvin.

Hobbes spotted someone and ran.

"That woman is leaving with a ball! We'll hitch a ride on her muumuu."

"That's disgusting, but clever," Calvin said. "Hurry!"

Just as the woman opened the door, Hobbes managed to grab on.

"This is better than nothing, I suppose," Calvin decided.

"I always assumed pantyhose would be softer," Hobbes commented.

At last the woman passed the course.

Calvin and Hobbes jumped down and began a search.

"There they are!" Calvin said. "They're just getting started."

"Let's get down there and get it over with!" Hobbes said.

They started to run down to Rosalyn and Charlie, who were preparing the golf balls on the rubber pads. They were in such a hurry that they didn't notice.

"Okay, so how do we do this without us being crushed by a pair of Sketchers?"

Rosalyn set her ball down behind Calvin. Calvin and Hobbes didn't notice.

"Maybe you can toss me onto her leg! Yeah! That's good."

Rosalyn prepared to whack the ball.

"Yeah, I could do that," Hobbes said. "I am, after all, Mr. Muscle."

"Okay! Let's do…"

Calvin was interrupted by Rosalyn swatting the ball. The ball took Calvin with it!

"IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

"CALVIN! HOLD ON, CALVIN! I'M COMING!" Hobbes shouted, running after him.

The ball was rolling towards a giant lighthouse. The door was opening and closing. It bumped into the closed door, causing it to be redirected towards a bumpier, alternate route downhill.

Hobbes continued to climb down after it, listening to Calvin's cries of pain.

"Oh, that's gonna hurt in the morning," he groaned.

The ball rolled to a halt right in front of the hole. Calvin was on the front of the ball, flat as a pancake.

Hobbes ran alongside.

"I'd ask if you're okay, but I'm sure you're not."

He yanked the flattened Calvin off the ball and flapped him like a sheet until he unflattened.

"Okay, she'll be down here any minute now," Calvin said. "See? Here she comes now."

Indeed, Rosalyn was beginning to walk towards the hole.

Then they heard a low rumbling noise.

"What's that?" Hobbes asked.

"I'm not sure."

They looked at the rock that was at the base of the lighthouse. They saw a plastic tube sticking out of it. Suddenly, a blue ball popped out and was fired at them!

"We're being attacked!" Calvin screamed.

They ran around in circles as the blue ball ricocheted around the green parallelogram. They quickly ran up the tube the ball had come from.

"Quick!" Calvin shouted. "Keep running!"

They scurried up the tube, noticing that rather than getting darker, it was getting brighter.

"Where are we going?" Hobbes called.

"I don't know!"

They finally entered the lighthouse.

Calvin and Hobbes gasped.

"Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" a voice shouted.

Several short sailors ran around frantically, yelling something about being discovered and being hungry for spinach.

"Arm yourselves!" the leader yelled. "They could be dangerous."

Calvin and Hobbes rolled their eyes towards each other, confused.

"What's going on?" Calvin shouted over the noise.

"You've seen too much," said the leader. "You must be destroyed."

"We haven't even been here a full minute!" Hobbes protested. "We don't need to be destroyed."

"We have no choice!" the leader said.

"Um, sir," said second-in-command. "We've never had this problem. Do we know what to do?"

"No, but how hard can it be?" the leader snapped.

Calvin and Hobbes decided to take advantage of this moment and get away. They spotted the opening and closing doors. They were moving too fast for escape.

They noticed there was a track from the doors to the tube. A green ball instantly rolled in towards them. They carefully stepped aside and watched it roll past. As it went towards the tube, they noticed a blue golf ball with helicopter blades on it. They looked at each other, shrugged, and quietly slipped into the hatch.

"Look, it's quite simple," the leader was saying. "All you have to do is pull the trigger."

He handed second-in-command the golf club bazooka.

"But what if we hurt ourselves?"

"How could we possibly get hurt?"

At that instant, he was hit over the back of the head by a flying helicopter golf ball.

"Well, that's _one_ way," commented second-in-command.

"Get back here with that!" the leader shouted. "That thing's experimental!"

But Calvin and Hobbes weren't paying attention. They were flying straight up towards the top, passing twirling stairs.

"Where are we going?" Hobbes asked.

"Anywhere but here," Calvin decided.

They shot straight up and through the top of the lighthouse, smashing the material.

"That was clever," said Hobbes. "Now what happens?"

"We use this clever thing to bug Rosalyn," Calvin grinned.

"Won't she be confused to see a blue golf ball flying around her head?"

"Exactly. We'll only appear around her, and then we'll disappear when Charlie turns around. She starts babbling about this thing, Chaz finally realizes she's nuts, and badda-bing, badda-boom, we can stop going on her dates because she won't have anyone to go on them with."

"Ingenious," Hobbes sighed.

Calvin flew over towards Rosalyn and Charlie, who were by now at the third hole.

Unfortunately, before Calvin could even reach Rosalyn, Charlie went into his backswing, which involved taking the club over his shoulder and hitting whatever was behind him. The thing he hit was the helicopter golf ball, which contained Calvin and Hobbes.

They were whacked backwards towards hole eighteen.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" they screamed.

"What do we do now?" Hobbes shouted.

"Bail out!" Calvin replied.

They kicked the glass out of the windshield and jumped. The golf ball smashed into the fake skull head.

Calvin and Hobbes fell down into the hole, where they blacked out…

* * *

When they came to, Calvin and Hobbes found themselves on a driveway behind a ticket booth. They got up quickly and looked around. Calvin ran to the ticket booth and searched it.

"How did we get here and why is no one here?" he demanded loudly.

Hobbes examined the landscape.

"It would seem that we've been placed at a drive-in in the middle of nowhere," he commented.

Calvin looked beyond the ticket booth. Surrounded by a cement block fence was a parking lot packed with cars and a movie screen.

"If no one's there, why are there cars parked here?" Hobbes continued.

"And why are at normal height?" Calvin added. "We shrunk ourselves!"

"Well, maybe that hole was a portal to another dimension," Hobbes decided.

"Really? Cool! I always wondered where the eighteenthhole lead to.Hey, they're playing a monster movie!"

Calvin ran towards the screen.

"What, you're not paying for a ticket?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin froze in position and slowly turned his head back at Hobbes.

"Something's gone wrong with you. Get in here!"

Hobbes sighed and followed into the parking lot, looking around.

"Why is a movie playing for a bunch of empty cars?" he asked.

"Who cares?" Calvin shouted. "It's a…"

He looked up and saw that the screen had changed from a sludge monster to a dancing bag of popcorn and soda cup.

"Hey!" he said angrily. "They interrupted my movie for a fast food ad! This is outrageous!"

Hobbes looked up again. "Hey, now's it's a camping movie."

The movie changed again.

"Now it's a monster movie again."

Calvin slapped his forehead.

"It's playing in a loop," he snarled. "This so figures. I finally get into a monster movie, and it's all fake. How ironic. Let's get out of here."

Calvin and Hobbes turned to leave, but when they came back to the ticket booth, they ran into an invisible wall.

"Ouch!" Calvin yelled.

"Appears leaving is out of the question," Hobbes sighed. "How the heck are we getting home now?"

"Maybe there's a clue around here," Calvin suggested.

"Allow me!" said a tough macho voice.

Calvin and Hobbes jumped.

"Who was that?"

"Must be the movie trailer voiceover guy."

"That is correct!" said the voice.

"Okay, fine, Mr. Wise Guy, how do we get out of here?" Calvin demanded.

"All you have to do is make it to the screen when the monster shows up."

"Sounds easy," said Hobbes. "Then what?"

"You just go through the screen."

"Say what?" asked Calvin.

"You'll go into the movie!"

"We'll be with a _monster_?" Hobbes asked. "No thank you."

"What kind of Cat of the Wild are you?" Calvin demanded.

"I'm a live one, that's what."

"Just make it to the golf hole and you'll be home in no time," the narrator said.

"Sounds simple enough," Calvin decided. "Ya ready, Hobbes?"

"Well, I…"

"Let's go!"

Calvin ran down the lane and up a ramp up to the screen. The scene was on the fast food ad. Calvin went through the screen in a flash of light.

Hobbes hesitated, and then heard a crashing noise come from his left. He looked at the concession stand, and Calvin rolled out.

"Wow!" Calvin shouted. "That was amazing! That was incredible! That was… That was…a complete rip-off! I'm right back where I started!"

There was an exasperated sigh from the narrator guy. "You need to go when you see the monster!" he said. "Or the campfire scene. They are basically in the same setting."

"I'm still not sure about this," Hobbes said. "Think about it, Calvin! Endless junk food." He pointed at the concession stand.

"Tempting, but that's all this place has to offer. We need to get home. We have a girl to torment."

Hobbes sighed. "Okay, let's try it."

"I'm leaving now," said the narrator. "Just remember. Screen, golf hole, home free."

"Got it," Hobbes said.

After the voice was gone, Calvin rolled his eyes.

"Okay, that guy is annoying. Come on, let's blow this scene."

There was a pause.

"Did you get it? Movie theater, scene, let's blow this scene? It's a pun!"

"I got it already! Sheesh! Let's get out of here before your humor deteriorates."

They ran up the ramp and disappeared through a flash of light.

* * *

They immediately found themselves in a dark green area.

"Where are we?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin felt around until he noticed a zipper. He unzipped it and found a campfire just inches away from them.

"Something tells me we're at the campfire scene," Calvin said.

They carefully avoided the fire as they got out and they looked around.

"Hmm, I kind of thought there would be more to this," he said.

"I guess the monster is gone for a while, thank goodness."

Calvin looked beyond the pond and spotted something.

"Come on! I can see a red flag over there!"

They quickly started to run towards the flag. They were halfway there when the ground started to shake.

"What's that rumbling noise?" asked Hobbes.

"I dunno."

They looked behind themselves and saw something. It was a giant red golf ball!

"Where'd that thing come from!" cried Calvin.

"Don't know, don't care," Hobbes said. "I just want to get away from here."

They turned around and ran.

"Run, run, run, as fast as you can!" Calvin shouted.

The ball was coming closer and closer. Hobbes made a giant leap to get away, but Calvin was falling behind. Calvin then tripped and fell.

Hobbes looked back.

"CALVIN! THE TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!" he shouted.

"Oh, right!"

Calvin whipped out the gun. He took aim and instantly turned the giant ball into a giant apple.

"Why an apple?" Hobbes asked.

"It's healthy."

"Ah."

They walked up to the hole.

"After you!" Calvin said.

"Why thank you."

Hobbes leapt into the hole and disappeared.

"It's weird," Calvin said. "You'd think the monster would have appeared somewhere."

Off in the distance, Calvin heard a low, "RRRRR."

Calvin shivered. "I'll be going now," he decided.

He jumped down the hole after Hobbes.

* * *

The two friends reemerged through the eighteenth hole.

"So _that's _where all the balls go afterwards," Calvin commented. "Well, I don't know about you, Hobbes, but that adventure was kind of a rip-off. There wasn't much action in it at all."

"Therefore making it one of my favorites," Hobbes decided.

"Come on, we need to get to the restroom and get back to normal size."

"How? I can see Rosalyn and Charlie coming back already!"

"Well, then let's hitch a ride!"

Calvin and Hobbes ran as fast as they could towards Rosalyn's golf club. They rode into the arcade room, and when Rosalyn swung her golf club up onto the desk, Calvin and Hobbes were flung up into the air and through the swinging restroom door.

"Should we be worried that someone's in here?" Hobbes asked.

"He's in a stall."

Calvin pulled out the gun and aimed at Hobbes. Hobbes was blasted back to his normal height.

Then Calvin aimed at himself and grew to his normal height.

"Aren't you going to use it?" Hobbes asked.

"I did."

"Really? You look the same height to me."

"Oh, shut up. Come on! Let's get out of here."

Calvin and Hobbes left, leaving a guy in the stall wondering what was going on.

Calvin entered the arcade with his stuffed tiger and looked around. He saw Charlie had left, and Rosalyn was there.

"Look," she was saying, "whatever damage the kid did, his parents will pay for it. I'm not necessarily responsible for him."

"What are you talking about?" the man at the desk asked. "No one's disrupted anything here."

Rosalyn arched an eyebrow. "Okay, obviously you've been paid off by him."

"Paid off by who?"

"By a six year old boy with spiked hair and his stuffed tiger," she said.

"Oh, you mean him?" he asked, pointing past her.

Rosalyn saw Calvin and his stuffed tiger leaving the restroom.

"You mean, he's been in there this whole time?"

"As far as I know, yes."

Rosalyn walked over to him. "Nice to know I can take you somewhere without you going crazy."

Calvin beamed a fake smile.

Rosalyn looked at her watch. "Oh! It's almost six o'clock! Time to get you home for bed!"

Calvin's face fell. "WHAT? I WAITED FOR YOU TO GET BACK FROM YOUR DATE, AND _THIS_ IS MY REWARD FOR WAITING SO PATIENTLY?"

"Well, that's the joy of being a babysitter," Rosalyn said smugly. "I get to make the rules. Come on. We're going home."

She grabbed Calvin's arm and dragged him and Hobbes out of the building.

"Would it help me out here if I told you that you look positively radiant?"

"No."

"It's just as well. It would've been a lie anyway," Calvin muttered.


End file.
